From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
