At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
