i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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