We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
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Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
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I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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