you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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