gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
