mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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