No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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