Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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