Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
