Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
