remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
