sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
