Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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