I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
