She's JV to your varsity
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
