I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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