and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
