Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
