I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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