I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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