i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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