I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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