The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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