My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
pray to the hookup gods
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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