Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
