haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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