this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
