False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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