good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
