headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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