I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
