Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
