My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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