Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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