you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
