I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
