apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
