I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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