when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
