You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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