The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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