6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
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I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
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I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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