Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
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Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
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I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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