Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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