my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
