i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
