mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
