It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just pee around me
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
