I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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