I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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