She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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