I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
