Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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