Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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