How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
