I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
