If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
